forward motion

Truth and facts

2010-08-01T19:46:00.001-07:00

- I should be writing the last portion of my MBA final paper
- Im almost done with school f o r e v e r
- Moving was one of the best decisions Ive ever made
- I may have fallen a little in love with this city
- Summer here is truly spectacular
- I still get lonely at times
- Yet, Im still really ok with my single life
- Im a different person than I was a year ago
- Im happier
- The sun and moon shine differently up here and I like it. Reminds me that seeing things little different is sometimes needed for us to grow. It took me nearly 10 months, but I finally feel like myself up here and it feels great. Life is funny, but sure is grand.

2010-06-27T01:43:00.000-07:00

Debating writing several times recently. Been lying awake at night so restless and feeling like I need some kind of outlet. Stopped writing because of where it often led and I needed to put that past well...in the past...but sometimes, it's just needed.

Recently talked with someone my age who bought a condo a year younger than I and started chatting about my little housing crisis history. While I have no problem talking about the situation (because I have nothing to be ashamed of) it got me thinking. For about three years I felt like one of the most put together people I knew. I could tell people "I bought a house" and they were slightly impressed. I looked responsible, settled, like I had this successful life...and then the unthinkable happened.

I once described it as if someone doused my life with lighter fluid and then lit a match...because thats exactly how it felt. Everything that was definably me was no longer. I no longer felt successful, put together or even stable. For a solid year, things sucked...then I moved. This move has been not only necessary for the season I was in, but was also an answer to my hearts desires. I know this is where I am supposed to be right now, yet it has yet to feel easy. I often wonder, when will it all really get better?

This adventure started out rough and has even rougher times along the way, but I feel Im finally starting to settle in. The end of the program is near and more uncertainty lies ahead. I still feel lonely at times. Have yet to find people that truly bring out ME and it often leaves me wanting to jump on a plane (ya know, because I can).

Im not ready to head back, I needed and wanted this. Just wish I knew whats next or when things would feel stable again. Hurry up, life.

Closing a chapter

2010-05-10T13:15:00.001-07:00

So, once upon a time I owned a home...this home in fact (isn't it cute?)...but the day I had fought so long and hard to keep at bay finally came. My house is no longer mine. These are not easy things to admit, but sometimes there are things in life you cannot control.

In December of 2008 I lost my job and so a year long fight to find one and keep my home was on. Miracle after miracle allowed me to pay bills and keep this cute little roof over my head - and then, I moved. I returned at christmas to the little 767sq ft box to essentially say goodbye. While I had no idea when the day would come, I knew it was near and in February my parents packed up the life I had built over 3 years and put it all into storage.

The pain of letting go of something that had become of a piece of me was not easy, yet what choice did I really have? My mom reminded me that it was not really mine to begin with and one day something better would fill its place. I feels like I did so much growing up here. Many bottles of wine were shared over laughs and cheese and many a mornings spent recalling the previous nights chaos. I miss my park and neighborhood dearly, but realize that is a chapter of my life that is now closed.

On to new things and a new life (where it rains much more than I ever realized) Lana and I have grown accustomed to condo living...and sharing our "backyard" with other dogs (ha) Im thankful to live in such a beautiful city and cant wait for what is next.

I like tumblr more than blogger

2010-04-07T19:05:00.000-07:00

Im sorry you've been so abandoned, I attribute it to so much change in life. When I started this bit of interweb nonsense I very much needed something that forced me to express myself, and well now that Ive become so healthily* expressive I don't feel inclined to write as often. Im thinking that I'll try to revamp it over the break. I really need to find a template to post larger pictures.

Oh! speaking of pictures, Im after a new lens (or like 5 - ie. as many as I can acquire) for my nikon. Im SO BORED with my stock lens and really want to take pictures more often.

Anyway, until then follow my tumblr! Why you ask, because I post awesome things like this swoon worthy photo:

*I didnt think "healthily" was a word, but spell check didn't highlight it so...I win.

the rundown:

2010-03-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

Ive officially been living in canada for 6 months (6 months!!!) sometimes its hard to believe this grand city is my home
I lived through the olympic chaos and WHAT an experience was - the paralympics concluded sunday and its going to be so odd to not see all the lime and turquoise signage anymore
I loathe school, but toughing it out (hello, gotta make use of that $45k in loans) - Im meant to be here, so all is good
Soooo ready for it to be spring - Im so over coats and boots
Lana and I live such a different life here, condo life! its a change and I miss my little house, but I adore my neighbors and I feel blessed to live in such a wonderful neighborhood
I miss the California political nonsense and being in the middle of it - if there is one thing school has taught me (other than my hatred for academia) its that I REALLY love what I was doing
In other political news, my dad is running for Sacramento County Assessor! Nuts...our entire family is involved in politics. Its a rough page (and start) for him, but support him none the less (Im going to help him out)
Im going back to Italy for a week next month - cant waaaait - and speaking of, Im thinking of trying a bit of a social media experiment because a) I love me some social media and b) Im thinking of writing one of my final papers on its use in marketing and business
I miss home, MY home and friends, but Im not ready to go back anytime soon - I was ready for this change and Im going to ride out the wave

Hows that for a quick update of life happenings? I need to re-do this blog, but lets face it: I no longer sit in an office wasting the day away and it just takes too much time. Follow me on tumblr! I update that thing often and am always posting photos, videos, quotes and new music finds.

Till the next adventure - muah!

2010-01-10T00:24:00.001-08:00

I keep meaning to write, I feel like Im getting closer...I mean, this is a step in the right direction (right?)

blah

When did life so drastically change?

because Im a big fat procrastinator

2009-12-07T22:24:00.000-08:00

I started a wish list/fun things to give on my tumblr!

I also post there more often than anywhere. Why? Because I like sharing fun and pretty things and takes less energy than writing a blog. I feel less inclined to be serious over there so have a looksie

Happy monday!

Is it really November 29th?

2009-11-29T15:01:00.001-08:00

One of the only two Thanksgiving's Ive spent away from the fam...got a little homesick. I enjoy everything surrounding Thanksgiving weekend a great deal, even down to arguing with my mother about what time the turkey ACTUALLY needs to go in the over. Dear mother, I cook it every year, this is not your concern. But anyway, I was conned (kinda) into cooking "American Thanksgiving" for friends up here and so glad I did. I celebrated the day after by making a 20lb turkey, stuffing, potatoes, carrots and having everyone bring wine. It was oh so lovely. We all fit around my little table like a little family. Thankful for wonderful vancouver friends :)

Hope you had a wonderful holiday weekend as well! I honestly cant believe its almost December...have I really lived in Vancouver for almost 3 months? How time flies. Im nearly a third of the way through my MBA.

Wings and Number 7:

2009-11-24T20:57:00.000-08:00

Been granted the most wonderful gift possible: travel benefits with United for the next year! Essentially, I can jump on a plane whenever my little heart desires - for pennies. Example: SFO-London, business class (sleepers and flat screen tvs!) for $200. NO JOKE! Now, where to go, where to go...

and thankful...

# 7 - renew my passport

Got me one of those new, fancy, rfid tagged passports. Wooooo!

Now, originally this was on the list as a motivator to travel more (plus, it was expiring this month) BUT I moved to Canada and it became necessity. In fact, I was an immigration fugitive for 7 whole days. Major kudos to the passport agency, they state 3-4 weeks on expedited renewal...7 days, door-to-door! Now to renew my visa and be officially legal again. ha.

Who wants to go somewhere? Im your travel buddy!

Number 24:

2009-11-15T02:03:00.000-08:00

#24 - fill my journal

I had put this one on the list as a way to motivate myself to write a bit more regularly - please note, this did not happen.

I recently took note of when I would write and what I was writing about. Funny thing was that no matter what I intended to write when I ultimately put that pen to paper, the same things seemed to manifest on that page. Don't get me wrong, I have loved putting my thoughts to paper and those things probably needed to come out, but I also realized those were the things I have been trying so hard to leave in the past and that little red book, in its own little way, had been keeping me there. Each time I would open it up I would read through past entries and go right back to where I no longer needed to be.

This week I stared at it laying on my bed and realized, it was time to let this go too. So, we are marking this one off the list - not because I necessarily "completed" it, but because in order to move forward, I need not have a reason to look behind.

Question:

2009-11-11T22:51:00.000-08:00

How can I do what I love, ie. what I know Im supposed to be doing, while also making my heart happy through traveling the world, experiencing life and meeting lovely people?

hmmm...

2009-11-11T20:57:00.000-08:00

Dear goodness, I miss italy*

*Just not you.

2009-11-02T22:18:00.000-08:00

In the past couple years, my life has been full of unfair moments my heart has never deserved. I tend to see so much good in people [even when they have done me wrong] that the truth ends up hitting me like a ton of bricks straight to the face.

Its not hard for me to agree that Ive chosen the wrong people, but I would never say I regret anything. My heart has been shaped by experiences both wonderful and painful, and as much as I would have liked to have forgone the latter, I find it all only makes me better.

Long ago my mother taught me the value of being the bigger person - just walk away and say nothing. Its a hard path, but I always know its the best one. One of the biggest lessons Ive learned is when its time to cut ties and never look back. As frustrated as I am in this moment, I know one day it will all change and for once, I'll win.

Goodbye Rome, you are now just a piece of the past and will not longer be a part of my future.

2009-10-29T19:17:00.000-07:00

I often find life unfair and a bit frustrating.
Ready for a "win" in my personal life. Like, it eventually has to be my turn...right?

Number 6:

2009-10-23T18:06:00.001-07:00

Bringin it back to the list!

#6 - take a road trip

Once I thought about it I realized I kiiinda did a small road trip in Italy, but I don't think 6 hours is a real road trip. Anyway... The mini, lana and I made the 15 hour, day and a half trip up to Vancouver week before last. Sadly, I lost my original road trip buddy, but dad jumped in all the way to Eugene, OR and then the kid and I toughed out the last 9 hours :)

-898 miles
-24.3 total travel hours (night stop in Medford)
-2.5 states
-1 US border
-and one bored girl with an ipod

2009-10-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

Id like the month of October to be over now.
Thank you.

Im ready to have time to catch up on life. During the show I was almost counting down to opening weekend when I would have a chance to catch up on things around the house, letters to pen-pals and cooking! But then, this all happened and life has yet to give me a chance to breathe. After this weekend I am officially in Vancouver full time, travel - DONE! Hoping to have a chance to do things Ive been itching to do.

Until then - hi grad school, you apparently own my life.

Random update of sorts

2009-09-21T22:30:00.000-07:00

The last month of my life has been a complete and total whirlwind, but loving it! Just a quick update:

1. Meet the new technological love of my life: the blackberry curve 8900...oh, and my new wireless provider, Rogers. Got me a new Canadian number and everything.

2. In four weeks Ive boarded 11 different aircrafts, traveled with 5 different airlines, flown (roughly) 6,000 miles and been through customs 7 times.
-I LOATHE US Airways
-United isnt awful, but refused to let me try to make my flight with 40 min to go
-Alaska/horizon...free wine. Nough said
and my fav (still)
-Air Canada...no baggage fees, awesome service, plus...movies, tv shows and more at my finger tips. Win!

3. THIS is my campus, in the heart of downtown, Segal Graduate School!

4. Faaaav coffee in Vancouver - Cafe Artigiano. Extremely well known for their fancy coffee art...and hello, yummy [and strong] espresso :)

5. Lion's Gate Bridge! I cross this every day from North Van into downtown. I wish I had a pic of the view from here. The city is GORGEOUS in the mornings.

6. Thank you West Van whole foods for saving my life the past 3 weeks. Your prepared foods have been my survival.

7. Just a taste of my view from my current digs in North Van. Yes, that would be the ocean...and Downtown would be to the left behind the trees :)

8. Upon my latest arrival customs informed me I need to list myself as a resident. Look, my address is Canada!

9. and last, but not least...my soon to be condo in Kitsilano...AND lana gets to come. SO EXCITED!

10. I "officially" move my life, the mini and lana week after next...with ciarra in tow. Eeeee!

Commuting

2009-09-14T00:57:00.000-07:00

I desperately miss my dog, my bed, my car and my sanity...and its only been a week. Only 3 more rounds, or wait, maybe its 4.

Fresh

2009-08-30T06:21:00.000-07:00

Starting today, that up and down girl who has been ever so present over the past few months is no more.

Im finally inspired, again.

Today it felt like the world stopped, yet somehow I was still spinning

2009-08-27T14:40:00.000-07:00

Sitting here in quiet simply, thinking...

-It would be easy to blame myself: blame myself for making the wrong choice or for investing in the wrong person.
-It would be easy for me to flip the crazy switch: allow myself be angry and become vindictive.
-It would also be easy for me to fall to pieces: let one persons ability to hurt me consume me.

What am I going to do? I dont know. I regret nothing, even though I feel many would think I should. I know that he will never be able to face me and that in itself makes me feel a bit ok.

I suppose I will do what I always do: smile and carry on. There is purpose in everything and if there is one thing Ive learned, its that Im not in control and I have to trust he who is.

I know that ultimately, I will be ok and that a greater happiness truly awaits...but in the mean time, hurt and betrayal are what I feel and I dont think anything said could change that.

I prefer the use of lists

2009-08-23T22:40:00.000-07:00

-Im frustrated with my body. To be 27 and feel like your body is falling apart is miserable. I want to cry.

-Regardless of my body revolting against me, I am doing another show and so very excited to be singing and dancing again. Its nice to be busy and have something to identify with again.

-I feel like Ive been at the point of desperation several times over the past few months, but apparently I haven't been desperate enough.

-I think Im reaching a point of loosing all hope, which isn't me and I dislike it a great deal. Some days it takes everything in me to not throw my arms up in the air and give up. Its often a wonder to me how Ive made it this far or that Im still as strong as I am. I think most people in my shoes would have completely crumbled long ago, I thank God for this. If I didn't have him to rely on, I have no idea where I would be.

-Through the past many months my friendships have been going through a major shift. I am very thankful for the people close to me, but still feel there is no one I can really talk to about things. Most of my life I have always been there for people and felt that because they needed someone strong I could not show any amount of imperfection. That people expected me to not fall apart, to have it together and be a support for them. Years of this conditioned me to basically never allow myself to let go. I felt bad for burdening someone else and felt I couldn't allow someone to see my weakness. While Ive been learning how to change this, its still hard. For the first time in a long time I found someone who I feel I can be imperfect with, but this is still full of flaws and it sometimes hurts.

-I miss being creative. I have about 5 started and abandoned projects around my house...I haven't even taken a photo in weeks. There are days I say Im going to do something and then fail. Maybe I should set some kind of goal for myself, have something to work toward.

-Recently noticed a pattern of mine: once I allow myself to be vulnerable to someone and open my heart I worry so much that history will repeat itself that I fall apart. Im exhausted of having my heart abused that I almost refuse to trust that someone could take care of it. I almost self sabotage, not even allowing opportunity. I want to change that, especially now, but unsure how.

2009-08-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

I hold high expectations for people around me
I realize I tend test people Im close to
I am easily disappointed
I hate being vulnerable
I dont think I trust anyone anymore
I hurt more than any one person around me knows
I cry more than I would ever admit
Im tired of selfish people
I keep waiting for someone to give back
Ive officially reached my breaking point
Im in a season of shutting everyone out

...and Im desperate for someone to want in

we will see...

2009-05-31T21:15:00.001-07:00

Just submitted my application here:

The thought of grad school started several years ago, in fact I applied to UCLA and Pepperdine two years after my undergrad and it proved to not be the time. So instead, I bought a house! ha. A window of opportunity was presented to me and I decided this was something to not pass up. Im nervous and excited about what may happen.

2009-05-18T19:49:00.000-07:00

Dear blog:

You seem neglected, and I am sorry. I am returning from the California of Canada - Vancouver - tonight and sadly have very few pictures for you, but may have news soon. I promise I will pay closer attention shortly. I have missed you. Until then, song of the moment...you're lucky its not lady gaga (as I have a new love).

N

Number 23:

2009-04-24T17:51:00.000-07:00

Had to be sneaky about this pic:

Michelangelo's "The David" at the Accademia Gallery in Florence

#23 - go to a gallery by myself
I knocked this one off the list times 3 in the past two weeks - SO MUCH art to see in Italy its almost ridiculous. While in Florence also wandered the Uffizi which houses an amazing collection of Italian art, including Botticelli's "Birth of Venus." Really, the only thing worth seeing at the Accademia in Florence is "The David" - it will blow you away, its huge! Definately worth the effort. Was really lucky in Florence, all galleries - FREE!
Personally, my favorite full gallery experience had to be the Accademia in Venice. I spent half of my day in Venice there and was not disappointed.

Home bound

2009-04-23T06:59:00.000-07:00

Swiss Alps en route from Rome to Frankfurt - a picture I was determined to get on the way back.

Getting on that plane yesterday proved to be a lot harder than I thought, it definitely hurt to leave. I find life can be quite unfair at times. I suppose this is just another one of those times when I cant worry and have to trust that everything will work out the way its meant to.

The flight I was dreading turned out fairly well. Experienced my favorite approach into the west coast EVER - coming into SF from Marin, view of the whole bay, golden gate and the city. Wished I had my blackberry at that moment.

___________________________________________________________________

Back to reality, glad its not scorching hot as it had been for the past week. Have an interview today and feeling very unsure about it...I suppose its good to exercise the interview muscle right position or not.

Something tells me the next week or so will be hard...restless and unsettled come to mind...like when I returned from Miami, but worse.

Number 9:

2009-04-22T01:20:00.000-07:00

My last cappuccino in Sacile.

First thing to knock off the list!

#9 - sit outside a cafe in Europe
I did this on more than one occasion, but this was the only day I took a picture. I do feel as though I cheated a bit on this one...I knew it was going to happen because I was rather determined to go to Italy this year. None the less, check!
______________________________________________________________
Last morning in Sacile before heading to Florence and then back to Rome to fly home. Had to say a very hard goodbye this morning and my heart hurts a bit. Taking the moments I ahve and enjoying them to the fullest. What will be, will be.

Might be my last post while in Italy - ciao!

Catching up...

2009-04-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

Lagging a bit on posting...mostly due to our weekend road trip. Sooorrry.

Some random thoughts and observations thus far:
Coffee: must get used to espresso and lattes do not exist...apparently they're french and thats bad. Also, cappuccino is only acceptable before noon - after that, espresso or macchiatos ONLY! I miss iced coffee.
Ordering food: pretty sure I was inadvertently starving myself for a few days out of sheer fear of ordering food on my own. Granted its not that hard to figure out menus etc, but its the talking to them that gives me anxiety. In order to avoid this in Milan I had McDonalds...which is kinda a big deal in general for me.
Church bells: finally figured this one out - ring in the am to wake you up, afternoon to signal lunch..then again to signal closing for the afternoon...then again to say open, and one last time to signal the end of the day. This is true for almost all cities. They are a really good alarm clock, not gonna lie.
Hot water: I have yet to become friends with hot water in this country. It hates me and refuses to even meet me.
Persecco: the Italian version of sparking wine/champagne. Personally, it reminds me cheaper champagne, but a little sweeter. Its a bit bubbly.
Wine: do not recognize half the viritals here, BUT it is GOOD and CHEAP! and did you know that the armed forces allows you to ship up to 500 bottles upon return to the states?!! Our tax dollars hard at work!
Street vendors: honestly thought these were only in Rome, they are not, they are everywhere and funny. They always have something different they are trying to pawn off on you. postcards, swirly/glowy toys, watches, bubble blowers, mini tri-pods at the trevi fountain at night, roses at the spanish steps and within 2 min of rain (no exaggeration) umbrellas!

and on to some pictures...
Venice: exactly what it looks like in the movies and pictures. I got really lucky with gorgeous weather, AGAIN! Hoped Mel would hae come to meet me later in the day, but the crazy girl didn't go to bed till noon. This was also my first day having to navigate and order food without someone speaking the language (if even a little bit). Stumbled into a wine bar filled with locals and a primarily italian speaking staff (eek!) LOVED it. People watching and drinking wine.

(sitting on the steps in front of the train station, waiting for the never appearing Mel because I accidently locked myself out of my cell phone.)

Milan: The city I would live in - hands down - if I ever moved to Italy. Immediately step off the train and am greeted by a HUGE Moschino ad...and then leaving, huge D&G ads. Hi, Im home. Ok, it wouldnt be JUST for the fashion, its a bustling business city. First place to feel like a city full of something other than just tourism and history.
I also missed my morning train this day cutting my time in Milan down by 2 hours (and hen again almost missing my train home.) Made it to the Grand Cathedral, The La Scala Opera House and wandered the major shopping streets - seriously, could Milan have enough Armani and Prada boutiques? The church is something that just has to be seen. Out of all the cathedrals Ive seen in Western Europe, this one blows me away!

Weekend trip to the Cinque Terre: northern Italian coast comprised of 5 (cinque) little towns nestled into the cliffs accesible only by train or hiking from one to the other. Started out rainy, but cleared up in the afternoon. This day consisted of hiking and a lot of wine in between.

(wine and train? PERFECT!)

(always napping, I kid you not...he napped two other times that day)

Pisa: Realized we were but an hour from Pisa and decided, why not! Its one of those things that pictures do not do justice, its so odd. Its also really funny watching ALL the tourists taking those silly pictures simulating holding up the tower.

Roadtrip home (5 hours!) took us through Tuscany on the autostrada - this really is a beautiful country. No doubts about that.

Roma!

2009-04-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

Greetings from northern Italy! After coming very close to missing our train from Rome this morning Im finally settling in to Sacile (about 45min from Venice) and loving every minute of my Italian adventure thus far.

Saturday was our whirlwind Rome in a day adventure: had lunch across the street from the Colosseum, threw a coin in the Trevi Fountain, had gelato in front of the Pantheon, sat on the Spanish Steps and napped in St. Peters Square...all topped off by AMAZING weather. Vantican city was kinda the end of our day and the only downside is that in preperation for Easter the museum (home of the Cistine Chapel) and St. Peters Bascillica closed early. Not gonna lie, I feel slightly cheated out of my full Vatican experience, but it was still gorgeous. The incredible thing about Rome is that you turn a corner and there's some amazing random church or fountain or ruins. Constantly in awe!

All in all, Im really happy thus far :)

(click pics for full size)

Its like playing where's waldo - can you find me....
(click for full size)

because Kyle has been to Rome [twice] I made him navigate - the whole weekend - which gave me ample opportunity to harass him asking if he did indeed know where we were going...and he always did.

This week: spending a day here in Sacile, hanging out with Kyle's Australian friend Mel (something tells me you girls would love her just as much as I know Im going to), day trips to Milan and Venice and some sort of weekend adventure!
Ciao!

Occasionally, I blog

2009-04-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

The past month has been quite a crazy one and life continues to be a roller coaster. Early in March I realized I needed to spend a little more time away from the internet and my computer as a whole and blogging took the brunt of that. Apologies to Cari and Megan, I still read your posts and I promised I would return.

April brings about my fourth month of unemployment - wooooo - and in honor of that (kinda) Ive decided to run off to Italy for two weeks! I promised I would blog pictures and adventures for my mother and others so I intend to do my best. I also intend to twitter (if at all possible) because I love twitter and I might miss it...or I might just want to make others jealous that Im in Rome while they sit at a desk. Yep, thats totally it.

I thought I would post a bunch of pics for my returning post. I decided I needed a hobby, so I have been trying to take my camera with me most place. See you in Italy!

Weekend trip to Napa which consisted of amazing food and more amazing wine - all weekend. I didnt know it was possible, but I was wined out. In addition to the meals and wine tasting I made a new friend who is a total foodie (check out here blog Adventures of a Food and Wine Diva, shes fuunnnny) got us tickets to the last day of the Mustard Festival at Mondavi. Yep, more food and MORE wine!!

Really excited for this show - 10 singer-songwriters out of Nashville aka Ten out of Tenn. One of my more favorite concerts Ive been to. Not only are they extremely talented as individuals, but they are fantastic as a group. They were essentially each others band. Check them all out, you will not be disappointed. Below - Trent Dabbs and adorable Katie Herzig.

My friend Peter asked me to tag along to a wedding with him a few weeks ago - little sister of the lead singer from Cake. Yeah. Small mountain winery in Amador, stunning! and yes I took home MORE wine :)

Two in transit pics from the last week - drove from Vacaville to Lodi via back roads. Cant tell you how much I enjoy drives like that. No one on the road, windows down and nothing but rolling hills all around. It brings me joy :)

Leaving SF while driving the Bay Bridge - yes, I take pictures while driving and yes it is dangerous. In my defense I just hold the camera and click the button crossing my fingers I get a good shot. Winner!
My goodness I adore this city.

2009-03-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like you just supremely F A I L at life in general for a time?

27 things to do before I turn 28:

2009-03-03T15:07:00.000-08:00

Kinda like mini goals and I plan to blog about each one as I check it off

1. read a Jane Austen book
2. go to Yosemite in the spring
3. make it to the top of half dome
4. complete two diy projects
5. shoot a whole roll of b&w with the yashica
6. take a road trip - done
7. renew my passport - done
8. take a bike ride through golden gate park
9. sit outside a cafe in europe - done
10. watch casablanca (I know, I know!)
11. read two new authors
12. bake a pie from scratch
13. attend the ballet
14. throw a backyard movie night party
15. visit the zoo!
16. audition for two shows
17. post a photo a week on my flickr
18. pay off a credit card
19. complete a photo wall calendar
20. start a mini herb garden
21. enter lana in the doxie derby
22. watch the sunset from a cliff in laguna beach
23. go to a museum by myself - done
24. fill my journal - done
25. camp on the beach
26. have coffee with a friend from out of state
27. finally go salsa dancing

A little homage to my little dog...the lana

2009-02-24T20:42:00.000-08:00

She found her way into some advil this afternoon and basically oded. The vet is keeping her overnight with an iv to get everything out of her system. Im freaking out a little bit, I honestly don't know what I would do without her...as you can see, we're pretty attached.

This is essentially the life we lead:

I love this little dog so, so much. Pray she comes out ok!

Reason #67 why I love cari:

2009-02-20T14:33:00.000-08:00

Friday, February 20, 2009

another way for me to spend my life on the internet.
dear nycala,

i love you very much and clearly you have too much influence over me. first there was the blackberry (admittedly not your fault), and then twitter. of course we were always friends on myspace. and facebook. and then there's the texting and the blackberry messenger. and aim. all sorts of things. of course, i've had a blog before... long long ago, and then that one for class. however, this one is special. this one is simply furthering my progression (or regression) into the internet-space to keep MORE in touch with my nycala. :)

i suppose we can call this 'progress.'

i must go. my non-internet life is calling.
love,
carolyn.

2009-02-17T17:08:00.000-08:00

I have a lot on my mind as of recent, but unsure how to write it.

Have a strong desire to be back in miami, but sense some of that is the continued desire to be anywhere but here. The past 2 1/2 months have been such a challenge, and the last 4 weeks seeming the hardest of all: a month with zero income. Yet, God continues to provide, even if it seems to be the last minute.

Trust and faith: the only two things that I know will carry me through.

Happy birthday to my other half!

2009-02-15T21:39:00.000-08:00

To do list

2009-02-13T23:42:00.000-08:00

Things I plan on doing once I am gainfully employed with a pay check:

*GET A MASSAGE!
*Spend a day in SF with the usual activities: pedicure and dinner at betelnut
*Buy shelves for my living room wall
*Finally get new bedding
*Go to a movie
*Go to Italy
*Purchase a unnecessary pair of black pumps
*Visit Cari in Boston
*Take my sugar mama (Ciarra) out for taking care of me :)
*Get my oil changed
*Purchase new tires
*Get a facial
*Re-book my trip to Vancouver
*Buy flowers regularly
*Frame my painting
*Get mom a gift just because
*Get sister a gift just because
*Go to a concert
*Register for a photo 101 class
*Buy a new suit (that fits!)

List to be altered at anytime

2009-02-09T00:37:00.000-08:00

What do you expect from me
After these takes, after this
What do you dream
In the afternoon
I’ll never know
What’s in your head

Out past the cars on the railway
Out past the city’s finery
We see our breath and connection
Underneath these gravel lines

You
You stole a page from the blanks
How do you weigh
All of our fears

Typical
Isn’t it typical
For someone like me
To invite you in

We took a drive in the country
Your photographs were never mine
Slapped in the face by the questions
Posed by these gravel lines

Out past the cars on the railway
Out past the city’s finery
We see our breath and connection
Underneath these gravel lines

Amy Seeley - Gravel Lines

From this view...

2009-02-06T22:27:00.000-08:00

...everything up ahead seems a little blurry

2009-01-30T14:50:00.001-08:00

Forgot the cord for my camera, but blackberry always seems to pull through.

(View from the condo roof, quasi panoramic style. Downtown Miami in the far distance of the second pic...also the view from the living room. Last pic is the same as the one below, which is also the view from my room.)

The sunshine disappeared today, and it was a little humid (ew). Either way, its been a pretty great day. not really ready to head home, but something potentially exciting is in the works on the job front. Looking forward to one more weekend at the church :)

Originally, I was supposed to go home today

2009-01-28T20:17:00.000-08:00

I keep extending my stay - yesterday afternoon it became Thursday and then last night it became Friday. Ive officially been in Miami a week. Completely unplanned.

I had no real intentions when boarding that flight last Saturday. All I knew was I couldn't be at home anymore. Just when things felt like they were getting better, they got worse. I was feeling almost suffocated in my own home.

The past several days have been refreshing. Ive enjoyed the church a great deal. This trip has been a blessing to my life right now and Im not sure Im ready to leave. Stress and frustration have not fully subsided, but in a sense I feel better. I feel encouraged in a way.

We'll see what happens in the next couple days. Praying. Trusting. Leaning not on my own understanding.

"So all encompassing is God's attention to events within creation that nothing happens by chance!"

One goal I have before I leave: Watch the sun rise over the Atlantic. Novelty we dont get on the other coast :)

I felt the need to be spontaneous

2009-01-24T19:55:00.000-08:00

I will be waking up to this view for the next several days.
Miami, you were missed.

Currently:

2009-01-20T13:17:00.000-08:00

My life feels like someone doused it in lighter fluid, and then lit a match.

Apparently I overslept into April...

2009-01-19T12:34:00.001-08:00

Yeah, its been like this for almost two weeks. I kinda miss winter

Is there really anything better than a sunny clear day in SF? No.

2009-01-13T23:47:00.000-08:00

*70 degree January day
*hotel room with view that is TO DIE FOR!
*Illy coffee
*Dinner and wonderful red wine at The North Beach Restaurant
*Not having to pay for said dinner and wine
*Waking up to the sun rising and washing over Coit Tower (yeah, that view was from bed)
*Cafe Greco, yes for illy coffee
*Yann Tierson as my soundtrack (fit perfectly!)
*Bathing in the morning sunlight sitting in Washington Square Park
*More illy coffee
P E R F E C T I O N

Good night north beach and good morning coit tower...

...hello iced latte and goodbye my lovely city

Sat in Washington Square Park watching the world go by - c o n t e n t
Just what my soul and little heart needed.

(photo documentation brought to you on behalf of my blackberry - yeah, Im in love)

This past year:

2008-12-31T00:24:00.000-08:00

*was the best and hardest year of my adult life.
*I found joy.
*for the first time, felt real and true happiness.
*I hurt and cried more tears than one can imagine.
*I finally rekindled my love affair with music.
*was fired!
*then realized I really like the world I work in.
*I purchased my first piece of artwork.
*learned how to stop, breath and take in the simple pleasures of life.
*decided I couldn't let life just past by and enrolled in a few community college classes.
*realized some people are only for a season, and that's ok.
*came to realize people are inherently selfish.
*realized the things that are actually worth valuing in this world.
*finally felt what its like to be treated like a princess.
*learned how to smile and find joy, even through pain.
*I had my heart opened.
*I finally realized what I want.
*I grew by leaps and bounds and found that in moving forward, some people had to be left behind.
*I truly found myself.

Wish I did this more...like really

2008-12-27T17:04:00.001-08:00

Trap shooting for the first time and hit two in my first 4 shots! Sadly am still am a terrible shot with the handgun. Best stress relief EVER.

Merry Christmas from my little home to yours!

2008-12-25T16:05:00.000-08:00

unemployment: day numero nueve

2008-12-19T14:51:00.001-08:00

*Productive?

Had two interviews this week and have mixed emotions about it all. Im extremely qualified for both, actually perfectly qualified like these positions scream my name and both interviews went very well, but if the past year and a half has taught me one thing its that neither of those things matter. The only thing that matters is if that's what God has planned.

Been in a slight funk this week, unsure of the whole "plan" here. A month ago I booked a flight to canada and that was the most sure I had felt about anything in awhile. After 2 years the timing seemed right, I had a peace about it, it made sense. Then I became jobless. The session I would be applying for starts in March, cant get a new job just to leave in two months, but also cant live without income for two months...so what does that mean?

I trust Gods plan, but at the same time Im worried that a year from now I'll end back up here flustered that life is locked in and decided. Its not that I think Im anywhere near old, but as 30 nears I feel like I loosing windows of opportunity to do things Ive always wanted.
*sigh*
Maybe its one of those things I need not stress over. Take things one day at a time and trust that its all going to work out.

But I still have a ticket to canada. hmmm
_________________________________________________________________________________
*me+computer+lana+blankets+cozy house=lazy
So in an effort to actually be productive been taking my computer on field trips to get coffee.
It works.

Rainy day tunes...

2008-12-16T12:04:00.001-08:00

Park

2008-12-13T15:57:00.000-08:00

Simply: thirty minutes of quality me and lana time.
I sometimes have to motivate myself to take her for a walk, but always so happy when I do.
Everything else seems to fall away and I can simply breath and enjoy.
Refreshing

unemployment: day numero cuatro

2008-12-11T22:07:00.001-08:00

*I have an interview next week - already!

*Validated: attended the hearing today for a rule Ive spent the past 6 months working on. Saw some of my favorite members...told a few I was no longer there, all of which said they were very upset. That I did a lot of great work for them. It made me smile. Im going to miss them and representing them.

*Perk of unemployment: happy hour offerings - not just the booze, the food! Best pesto pizza...$2.25. Hell yes!

*Happy. Again.

*Cockatoo: I need him, I don't know why, I just
do. Its already been decided, his name will be henry.

Pictures of real live animals from a california zoo by Sharon Montrose. View the whole collection in her etsy shop!
(I think I want the pig too)

unemployment: day numero uno

2008-12-08T17:24:00.000-08:00

For an unemployed girl its been a busy day...didn't even sleep in. Have such a to-do list for the next several days...finally have time to take care of so many things!

Today: dropped off resumes, filed for unemployment (ugh), made a bunch of appointments before I no longer have insurance and began putting the vancouver wheels back in motion.

Spent the remainder of the afternoon cozied up with lana and a cup of my f a v o r i t e holiday treat. Its like apple pie in a cup (but better!)

You would think Id be overly stressed, but honestly I have a overwhelming sense of relief. As upsetting as this experience has been, I know it was supposed to happen. Without a doubt.

Better things are on their way, provision will come, and all will be OK.

Apple goodness in a cup:
(seriously...apple pie)

1 serving unfiltered apple juice (I like trader joes)
2 shakes cinnamon
1 shake nutmeg
(shakes, super descriptive huh? that's precisely how much I use from the spice bottles ha)
heat over the stove or in microwave
1 shot tuaca liquour
top with a dallop of whip cream

so, so yummy...you'll thank me later

God's plans are always good, but they aren't always comfortable.

2008-12-05T16:46:00.000-08:00

I am...
newly unemployed!

its grand.

not really.

UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE

My hand was forced to cancel my trip to vancouver, and I chose to show commitment to my job and abandon the opportunity presented to pursue graduate school. I threw personal and professional growth out the window to keep my job, and still this.

I cant put those wheels back in motion, flight expense would be astronomical. Now I have the time, but still CANT GO. Its upsetting.

Been trusting in Gods plan for months, now this.
He has obviously closed a door (a door Ive been desperate to run away from) just thought there would be something to run to.

man, I need some wine, or a cupcake, oh...maybe ice cream!

monday commute

2008-12-01T11:13:00.000-08:00

Gotta love that valley fog - at least the mornings feel like December

Thank you blackberry :)

Days off

2008-11-29T16:53:00.000-08:00

(playing with photos...because I finally can!)

-Been the laziest EVER the past two days. Ive officially bonded with the couch, and relishing every second of it.
-Thanksgiving: grandparents here from dallas! They are pretty adorable sometimes. So very, very thankful they are here with us.
-Absolutely made my day: the gardeners coming to do the lawn. Havent seen my front yard/driveway/sidewalk/walkway in two weeks. Lana was getting lost in the leaves.
-Today: t-shirt weather? I swear its typically [officially] cold by now. Its making me a little crazy. I have been loving the foggy mornings though, mmmm my favorite.

Thats all. Hope you had a lovely holiday!

Split Second

2008-11-24T17:14:00.000-08:00

Funny thing about timing, just a moment earlier I was thinking how wonderful it feels to no longer have an emotional pull...
then bam, like a freight train
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I have grown by leaps and bounds this year and learned so much about myself.
This summer I finally realized how much Im ready to share the day to day, ready to love, ready to be give.
Ive never really been in that place before.

I have to be honest, in past relationships - no matter what I thought at the time - my heart was really never there. I remember it took one of my ex’s almost two months to convince me I was really in a relationship. Oh, ok?! I guess. ha
My relationships stemmed from a desire to escape the life I was living here and offer distraction.
Looking back, I now see I was rather selfish.

I sat through my cousins rehearsal dinner this summer and heard person, after person stand up and toast to the real, honest love of these two young people. I had never heard people talk about a couple like this before, it was amazing and beautiful...and then one toast just hit me. Friend of the groom, and officiant for their wedding said:
“…love is an understanding that you are no longer your own…”
Bam. That’s it.

Personally, I don’t think you can really love someone, that a relationship can truly prosper until each person knows what it is to give up themselves for someone else. Im not even taking this to the point of taking a bullet for someone, Im talking about not thinking of yourself first. It’s not always about you and your needs, but you reach a point where you want to give up something for that other person. You are willing to make a sacrifice for their dreams, to see them succeed.

People are inherently selfish, its human nature. I think it is hard to step outside of what is already built into us…but not impossible.

Ive been thinking a lot recently about what it is that causes us to break free of that, move beyond our selves and be selfless. Can't say Ive figured it out yet, but I think at a minimum it takes a desire.

A couple months ago I realized I had this whole hearted desire to help someone reach their potential and be successful. I wanted so much to use my stengths for someone else and I saw how willing I was to do that. All of a sudden my heart was so open to give. The selfish girl I was faded away...it was that moment I realized Im finally ready to start something real with someone.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Knowing what I know now, I realize what I had to give would have been wasted.
In the end I would have been left frustrated and drained from giving into something – someone – who just wasn’t in that same place. Someone selfish.

and even though Ive moved on, there are just those moments that catch you by surprise - like a ball from left field - and hurt, if even for a second.

I HAVE MY MAC BACK!

2008-11-21T18:16:00.000-08:00

I was so excited I freaked out my dog. no joke.

YAY for updates and photobooth that actually works!!!

(I reallllllly just dont feel like working. ha)

2008-11-13T16:23:00.000-08:00

Ever really want to hate someone, but just can't?
I think I care too much.
boo

and just because...
Ive had a minogue sisters revival this week....love me some classic kylie. Ive decided that if I were to do a music video it would be something like this...minus the gold hot pants because really, only she can pull those off.

Kylie Minogue - Spinning Around

"this is a season that is necessary for your story"

2008-11-09T21:47:00.000-08:00

Changes are ahead.
I received an answer to prayer on something that I had almost started to loose hope on...then it turned out better than I could have expected. What has been weighing me down, will no longer. The door is open for so much, and Ive never been more ready for whatever that might be.

I dont want to talk about it too much yet, as its still so early...but I just made a decision that could put my life on a path to new and exciting things.

Patience.
One day at a time.

Spent some quality time with my mom tonight and shared the desires and pains of my heart over the past several weeks for the first time. She gave great mommy words and a very needed hug.

Ive been learning how to be vulnerable, to not fight it and let go.
Its hard and it hurts...but Im better for it.

more soon :)

Feeling a little bold

2008-11-04T23:13:00.000-08:00

Allie and I decide to meet tonight to wallow in a glass of wine and escape the media coverage...the one place I thought was a refuge, was not. So I thought hard about all the victory parties going on and realized we were down the street from the Yes on Prop 8 event.

So, off we went!
It was nice to be somewhere, watching local results, surrounded by like minded individuals. We also were interviewed by two public radio stations. One woman laughed at how we didn't appear to fit the 'yes' demographic - wait, you're young, in your twenties, lots of gay friends and you voted yes?! YES!

I do feel as though Im almost allowing myself to be publicly stoned, but thats ok. This is what I believe in. The majority of this country believes in socialistic ideas (even though they have ZERO idea what they really mean).I believe in the definition of marriage.

Overall, Im glad this election in general is over (finally!). Not sure I could really take anymore. Im more interested in how the state legislative races went. Makes me nervous.

............................................................................................................................

Day After - public stoning opportunity number two

and today is a day of bitting my tongue.

There is a reason why I stayed clear of vocal involvment over the course of this election. Im not the arguing type, I like discussion on facts and issues...but unfortunately many of the people out there I want to comment to are the arguing type and fail to understand reality. The workings of the political climate are complex. I have to say if I didnt grow up surrounded by it, and now working in it I probably wouldnt understand either.

Seems as though many voters this year became impassioned for a candidate based upon warm and fuzzy speeches, and lofty ideas tied in an eloquent bow. Many of these idea sound great, in theory, but in reality do you understand what it takes to implement these shiney ideas and put them into action? Do you understand the impact on YOU as a tax paying citizen?
Probably not.

Ive been writing my generation off as ignorant, but I now realize its not necessarily ignorance its the lack of reality. This is something we deal with everyday here in California. Crazy liberals who only see things on paper and fail to address or realize the full implication to business and the economy...

Thats a great idea, I want clean air too, but do you realize your formulas - in reality - dont meet the desired goal? or do you not understand the fiscal impact to business and the overall economy? You undertand you are putting hundreds -thousands of people out of business? Do you know how much this is going to cost YOU a tax payer?
"Oh, well, we havent looked at that"
Typical.

I wish my generation were different, I wish they didnt simply go with what "feels good" Can you imagine a society that made their decisions on simply what makes them "feel good?"
We are the future of this country. In a decade we will be the corporate presidents, and political leaders...it worries me.

Anyway, at least the dems didnt take a two-thirds majority here in the Assembly. Lord knows what would happen if this state no longer had a check and balance.

2008-11-01T17:41:00.000-07:00

left alone with my thoughts for the first time in a week or two -
hurts, hurts oh so much

Various Things:

2008-10-28T17:07:00.000-07:00

So very busy this week
Show opens fri, spent entire weekend and now evenings at the theatre
Have a bridal shower sat and in the midst of planning the second ALL.BY.MYSELF [sigh]
No Halloween plans due to the fact Im probably going to collapse by week’s end

Trying to sneak in a post!

Keep stumbling upon great artistic talent wrapped up in young packages on flickr and etsy, in the theatre and in music.

Makes me think about my creative value…why have I never done anything with it? When my days come to an end I want to feel as though Ive contributed as much as I can, shared my gifts with those around me.

Im challenged to do more.
Goal: from here on out – must follow through on creative projects and ideas!

38 days and counting without my mac
(um, yeah…rough)
BUT should officially have it back in about a week yay!
(as long as Evan doesn’t hold it hostage)
AND will be better than before double YAY!!!
(hello new 250gig hd, 2gigs of ram and CS3)

Continuing to be patient on the job ‘sitch, but seriously throwing the idea of grad school around again
Figuring out when I can make a trip up to Vancouver in the next couple months to officially peep out UBC and Sauder.
As the weeks progress this seems to be a direction I think Im ready to head in [again]
Waiting on some house news and will go from there!

Music Fun
Created a new station on my pandora with Cut Copy as the artist seed –
LOVING IT!
Pulling up tunes from LCD Soundsystem, Kennedy, MGMT, The Cure, Brazilian Girls and Fischerspooner – amongst many others. Can’t wait to get my computer back and add many of these tracks to my ipod!
Heres the track that inspired my new station:

Cut Copy - "Lights and Music" from Ewan MacLeod on Vimeo.

Election one week and counting
THANK GOD! Im ready for this whole thing to be over.

Im so very concerned for where things are heading in this country. If this election has taught me one thing it’s that people.are.sheep (yep, I said it.)
Young people and the future of this country (for the most part) are uneducated voters

I stay pretty clear of discussing candidates and instead have made it my duty each election to educate those around me on alllll the other things on the ballot.
This November California has 12 (T-W-E-L-V-E!) propositions on the ballot and they confuse even me!
My belief is that if you don’t know ALL the facts, DON’T vote for it. So, like usual, I will be posting bi-partisan, straight facts, on these very soon…I know you’re excited!!

...and one more simply fun music diddy for the road that made me smile

Happy Tuesday!

Random Evenings

2008-10-23T11:26:00.000-07:00

Won tickets to a concert tuesday at The Boardwalk in Orangevale -
3OH!3, Innerparty System, and The Chain Gang of 1979, all Denver area (electo-ish) bands.

Had never heard any of them, but dragged Allie with me...free tickets, why not right?! Had no idea what to expect, but figured it would make for random tues night fun...and it was.

Have a college friend, originally from CO, who L O V E S 3OH!3 and at a request, tried to score some stickers (heart you Tanner!) So Allie started chatting with the merch guy, which led us to chatting with the drummer from The Chain Gang, which led to random good conversation and the making of new friends!

They were in sac another day wanting something to do that would get them off the bus, plus I could not bear the thought of their only experience here to be based off of orangevale and the creepy la quinta off richards blvd. So, I dragged Cari with me this time and we met up with the guys for drinks at streets and then late night fries at willies (yum!)

They said it was one of their best stops on tour so far (I really chalk this up to the fact fact we weren't 15. ha)

Random nights are always so fun, and even better when you get to meet and enjoy new friends. They totally made my week.

After the past month this is just what I needed. Smiles, laughs and good times :)

2008-10-21T16:35:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been such a struggle. Its taken all the energy I have to simply keep my head above water, to keep myself from drowning.

Have tried many times to articulate the thoughts swirling in my head and have been completely unsuccessful.

Right at the point last week when I just didn’t think I could bear anything more, I stumbled upon this…

The heart progresses through the seasons.

Like a tree, it is cut down, only to grow back stronger.

It is in that first spring that we are closer to Heaven then we will ever be.

It eventually experiences the nostalgic chill of fall that streams into the death of winter.

Our hope lies in the return of spring, which beckons us to move forward towards the freedom of summer.

Embrace the fall - for winter is inevitable.

This is only a fraction of the greater human struggle.

Embrace the struggle…every meaningful story must have conflict.

This is a season that is necessary for your story.

Hold on…

Behind you are the prayers of the Saints

.…spring will dawn.For God holds your soul, and God is more faithful than even the seasons.

I will continue to press on grasping to a single truth…

…God transcends seasons.

Writings found in a blog that seemed to put into words exactly what I could not.

It just hit me, right.between.the.eyes.

This season is tough, but I know on the other end newness waits. This is a time to shake off the old and prepare for growth. Prepare for change.

At times I wish change would come quickly, save me the pain of winter and make it easier. But it is the death of winter which prepares for the growth ahead. The hardest times are ultimately what make us stronger and build reliance on Him.

Afternoon in the park...

2008-10-19T21:54:00.000-07:00

(AGAIN -pictures would have made this post complete. blah. growing impatient)

Spent the late afternoon at McKinley park. Fall is just starting to show its colors in east sac, the trees are just beginning to change and the rose garden is still in bloom. Took lana, a book, journal, ipod and picked up tupelo coffee (the BEST!) all set to enjoy some of the last gorgeous weather of the season.

A trio spotted lana and wanted to say hi, so we strolled over and found an older couple and friend drinking wine and enjoy cigars. Sat down and ended up chatting with them for a solid half hour. Found out the couple had been junior high sweethearts only to have spent the last 40 or so years with other people. Time passed, each tried to connect with one another when visiting their selected cities, but were never successful...until a year ago. They told me the first love is the best love. Pretty amazing that after all those years they were still able to find each other and can now enjoy the rest of what life brings, together. True life love story, they made my heart happy. Before leaving they invited me to join them for dinner, I kindly declined, but they were just all around cool...wine (with glass cups mind you) cigars, great stories and she was wearing rad ray bans. They made my afternoon so lovely :)

I sat in the rose garden as the sun was setting listening to lovely music, taking in my surroundings and realized you know what, life sure has its beautiful moments. Its the simple things that bring joy to my heart and a smile to my face. Now if only I had someone to share life's simple pleasures with - sigh - I cant wait for that...Im so ready for that.

Autumn...

2008-10-15T13:20:00.001-07:00

Such a season on change. The air becomes crisp and the trees turn shades of red and gold. mmm I love it so

One of my favortite things about autumn in sacramento is the opening of apple hill. The fam and I bypassed church sunday in exchange for carmel apples and dutch apple pie. Yep. Took my kiddo, sat under apple trees, listenend to music, and ate the most AMAZING apple cider doughnuts (which we essentially waited an hour for, well worth it let me tell ya!) All in all, a perfect early fall day.

Took some silly pics with the fam, but with my computer still in the possession of a one evan faccou in orange county, pictures have to wait. Blahhhhhh. I have a months worth of pics to edit and upload to various places.

Until then...
Ive become very concert happy as of recent. Have a few shows lined up over the next month or so I am planning on attending. so excited! :)

seriously?

2008-10-13T09:14:00.000-07:00

Hadn’t talked to a dear friend in awhile, sent him a text to see how he was…this was the response:

Hey Nyc,

Sorry I had to be so short with you in the text last week. My work pays for my phone during my international trips and want to respect their finances. I just got back yesterday.

I saw you im-ed me earlier today, and you signed off before I was able to respond. There is something that I wanted to mention to you. I'm sure you could see by my facebook that I'm seriously dating someone named Anna* that I met out here this summer. We're on the road to marriage, and I love her very much. Due to you and I having a history of being involved**, I was wondering if you would please refrain from contacting me (unless of course it is class reunion related, or something that I would need to know about i.e. - Rich) out of respect for Anna and I's relationship. Now that Anna is a very integral part in my life, out of respect for her, there is not a need for me to have intentional female friendships outside of work or local social circles.

Thanks for your understanding and help with this, and I hope you keep well and that you have Biblical success in all your endeavors. Please let me know you received this.

God Bless,
Roger*
__________________________________________________
*to protect the privacy of those mentioned I have changed their names
**now when he says “involved” he is referring to an incident which occurred over 4 years ago. We ended up making out once or twice (typical college nonsense) and HE had a deeper emotional attachment then myself (go figure).

Hi, we only made out, chill.

The “biblical success" line is the kicker. Um, OK?!

2008-10-10T10:20:00.001-07:00

On our way to dinner last night I threw on a fine fenzy in the car and the roommate says to me -
"you are totally becoming one of those artsy folk"

Um, I don't know how to take that! Define "artsy folk" I do not wear skinny jeans and ballet flats or wear headbands like this.

She laughed and said -
"Its not bad! Your new music selections definitely are leaning that way. Don't worry, if you start down the hipster* path, I'll stop you"

___________________________________________________________________
*There is nothing wrong with being "hipster" - in fact I wish I had the skills some girls do of throwing together random vintage items and making them look chic. Its just not a look I can pull off well in general, it would be awkward.

and trying to sync things up: postings that should be here

mosaic of moi

2008-10-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

got this from my friend rebecca
(who also happens to be a lovely photographer, check our her work here and her blog here)
thought it was fun :)

Answer the following 12 questions about yourself (my answers are in parentheses after each question) then type each answer into Flickr’s search. Use only the images that appear on the first page choose your favorite and copy and paste each of the URL’s into the Mosaic Maker (3 columns, 4 rows). Have fun!

1. What is your first name? (nycala – I searched “nicola” boo)
2. What is your favorite food? (halibut)
3. What high school did you attend? (capital christian high school)
4. What is your favorite color? (yellow)
5. Who is your celebrity crush? (clive owen)
6. Favorite drink? (pellegrino)
7. Dream vacation? (sailing the virgin islands)
8. Favorite dessert? (carrot cake)
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? (small business owner – I searched boutique)
10. What do you love most in life? (simple pleasures)
11. One word to describe you? (curious)
12. Your Flickr name? (nycalabenson – I search nb or it would have been blank)

(photo credit: 1. Café Nicola, Lisboa, 2. Halibut, 3. Guide to Springfield - The Simpsons, 4. mustard yellow, 5. Clive Owen, 6. acqua minerale X 4, 7. anegada sunset, 8. carrot cupcakes with a cream cheese frosting, 9. Girly Chic Boutique, 10. Simple Pleasures, 11. Curious Bear, 12. Paris métro station Cité quai NB)

new find...

2008-10-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

Apologies if shes not new to you, shes new to me so there!
Im a fan

2008-09-30T15:46:00.000-07:00

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
I love you not only for what you have made yourself, but for what you are making of me.
I love you for that part of me that you bring out.
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Randomly came across this quote about a month ago and it grabbed me.
Seemed to put into words exactly what I think a true love does

Ive never really been one for poetry – in fact it frustrated me in school.
Its like how people can look at a painting and find deeper meaning in swirls and splatters – how did you get that from THAT? Im confused.

Even with my lack of poetic understanding her words got me, she intrigued me - what in her life fostered such words about her love and what others existed?

I picked up “Sonnets from the Portuguese” this past weekend.
Ive never purchased poetry or even read it for pleasure.

Something new.

its amazing at how music can evoke so much emotion and awaken memories

2008-09-26T10:54:00.000-07:00

I currently have a love affair with music –
allowing it to captivate and charm me

wonderful movie - amazing score - lovely moments

Lack of computer offers less distraction, more quiet time…has given me the opportunity to really listen and appreciate more music than before

You wish you had friends like mine

2008-09-25T11:33:00.001-07:00

When I got home from my weekend in yosemite I walked into my room to find a nordstrom box on my bed with this note and gift from the girls inside. I actually started crying.

Allie had seen me right before I left and saw the pain I was in even though nothing was said. Over the weekend she told Christa she wanted to do something but had no idea what as words weren't seeming to cut it. Christa mentioned my love language was the receiving/giving of gifts - this was the result.

Im beyond blessed with the friends in my life. God knew exactly what I needed and knew that we all needed each other. I never would have thought the four of us would have come together like we have. Im so thankful, they get me.

oh, and btw, I had a q-tip revival this morning. so good.

myriad

2008-09-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

Im feeling a little nervous, anxious, something like that...

I started these little blogs as a means for me to express myself better - its been quite the growing experience to say the least.

I did this for me meaning no one I actually know (with the exception of maybe 2 or 3) have ever seen any of it. I didn’t do that to hide anything, but this morning I caught a feeling that someone specific stumbled upon my thoughts and my heart rate quickened. Its not as if Ive ever written anything I wish to hide, I think about exactly what is put here, what I want to share, but its different when a person who is obviously part of those thoughts now sees them.

I could delete things in a fit of paranoia, but I wrote these things because its what Im currently going through and they stay. Regardless. There is a purpose for everything…right?

..................................................................................................................................................................

I wish to be surrounded by people who think deeply, feel deeply and wish to live deeply.

There is just something that seems to stem from being in the creative arts - music, art, photography etc. - and being surrounded by those who do the same. Seems as though they are more apt to live a little more free...they are free of the rat race so many people get caught up in. Go to school, get a degree, get a good job, get a better job, build your 401k, buy a house, get married, have a kid, get a dog blah blah blah.

Not that those are bad things, they arent, that is what some people genuinely want out of life and thats fine...but I think there are others that get caught up in whats expected from "society" failing to fully see and experience life. Forgetting to breath, take moments to simply take in the small things. Forgetting to see the joy in life. Forgetting to pursue things they are passionate about, things that bring them to life.

I want to be surrounded by more people that follow those passions, that follow their heart

.....................................................................................................................................................................

Notes from the weekend:
Im ready for change.
Continuing to think about about these things and Ive decided I really wish to make something happen.

All three of these cities have grabbed me in some way. Im such a west coast girl, I love this half of the country so much, I don’t even know where to start. I lived in so cal, that’s a life I do not fit with. I love rain, fog, and seasons...so good.

There were so many pictures one could pick and so many things I could say about each city, but I’ll just leave it at this for now...

SF Seattle Vancouver

Praying about it, praying about a lot. I can’t go anywhere for many months and so many things in my life need to be figured out, but Im ready for something like this. I want something like this.

Was excited to come home with leopard for my mac!
Came home with no leapard and no mac! What should have been a simple upgrade turned into a very involved process. Everything crashed as I was trying to walk out the door for a flight I made with only a minute to spare. Had to abandon it down south so Evan could nurse it back to health. So sad!!! :(

Very emotionally straining weekend.
I have to keep reminding myself of certain truths rather than asking why again and again. Trying to write in my journal as a way to process emotions rather than letting them take control. Trying to let go and trust God’s purpose. Sigh. Saying things are tough right now would an understatement.

Reminding myself to look at the joy and not the pains.

Where to go...

2008-09-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

Been having a problem recently…all Ive wanted to do at work as of late is explore photos, writings, or even write myself.

Its not that I don’t like what I do, its that I don’t like where I do it (this is nothing new)
Keep coming back to the same frustration of wanting to move onto something new and wondering why it has yet to happen. Don’t fully understand that if this is where Im supposed to be, why is it things are getting worse and not better?

Found this yesterday:
‘We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us’

Got me thinking…
Did that, 2 years ago, threw everything I had planned and thought would be to the side and bought a house. It was the right thing at the time, blessings came out of it, I grew by leaps and bounds, built amazing friendships, learned how to manage my life and finances better, and found so much joy.

But here I am, two years later and I sit wondering – what happened to all those things I had always wanted to do with myself? What happened to grad school, to living in the city while single, to traveling, to meeting new people, to experiencing life from the unknown? There are things I still want, but fail to know where to begin.

Im 26 and feel like life is locked in – career path determined and location decided. Id be ok with it if I had a peace about it, but I don’t and wish something would give.

life

2008-09-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

things Im thinking about...

-Im seriously draaagggging today

-been exploring alot of blogs and flickr recently, still trying searching for a means of expressing myself better, expressing life

-I miss my puppy, lots, but thinking about driving to retrieve her from my parents seems so daunting

-people just suck. thats it. they do.

-feeling a little confused about many things still. kyles here from italy..hmmm

-discovering so much new music, want to go to more shows!

-really want a macro lens for my camera, Im obsessed. I love the ability to capture random and obscure things.

-I feel like Im on an emotional rollercoaster. at any given moment Im over come with the desire to cry or be sick.

-been thinking alot about moving to a new city and experiencing life on my own, just dont know how to really make that happen.

-need to go to the dentist.

-cooking for one hurts my heart so much these days, I dont want to do it anymore

-so tired!

-need to edit pictures

need something

2008-08-29T09:58:00.000-07:00

I feel like Im bursting with thoughts these days. I don't know what that means. Is that good? Does it mean Im "growing"? I don't know.

I blog
I journal
and I started a xanga (why? don't know. too many thoughts)

It seems as though every other day I realize something in my life and want to share it, somewhere. I mean, assuming someone has an interest?

Whatever, lol, I really like who I am these days, and I think writing has helped me get there.

Realization of the week:
I think I am finally becoming the person I was meant to be.

Since meeting him Ive just been thinking more about my passions, and what I really want out of life.

I started taking community college classes this week - yes, 5 years after receiving my bachelors I felt the need to enroll in school. Not gonna lie, its a little weird.

Im taking a jazz class and a landscape photo class, both started this week and Im really excited about them!

I highly suggest community college offerings. They are meant to be affordable and offer classes in everything you can think of. For example, Ive been itching to take more dance classes, but studio classes are expeeennnssive! I can enroll at crc, pay $20 per unit (dance classes are only 1, yay!) and take class twice a week for a semester. Uh, SCORE!

Oh, and Im also going to take a business class on how to write a business plan. Im pumped.

Even though there is a lot in my life I feel is about to go up in flames, I couldn't be happier with the person I am right now. Ive never been more excited to take the next step in my life.

2008-08-26T14:05:00.000-07:00

Yep I finished the bottle, just like I said I would. I also proceeded to have the largest emotional breakdown Ive had in a very long time. Needless to say, friday morning wasnt my favorite. I felt a little yucky and then my roommate mentioned it might have something to do with the empy bottle of wine on the counter.
Oh yeah, that...

Life has been so up and down the past several days. Ive realized that when my life feels like its about to go up in flames something is about to happen. Feels like change has been on the horizon for quite some time, we'll see were things lead...

2008-08-21T21:37:00.001-07:00

3/4 bottle of wine deep - Im feeling like I did about two years ago - post rob - the night I painted, drinking wine - angry - broke a glass and two poles (painting the ceiling) - Im gonna finish the bottle. Just you see

2008-08-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

New musical treat for the day.

Tahiti 80 - english language french group

Track circa 2000, lame video, happy song. I like, so enjoy :)

Im a syncronized diving expert, didnt you know?

2008-08-12T09:49:00.000-07:00

So last night I head over to my parents house where they have prime time coverage tivoed - because I have no tv and who really watches anything in real time anymore? and I sit down with my dad to watch the men's synchronized platform finals. As each pair dives, my father and I proceed to judge splash, synchronization, form, difficulty etc. Now do either of us know anything about synchronized diving? Yeah, not so much.

The funny part is everyone partakes in this ritual. Sunday evening my roommate and I go out to dinner and everyone in the restaurant is watching woman's diving, and after each dive everyone starts their own commentary "oh that wasn't a good one, did you see her splash?" or "hmm I think she was over vertical"

Its hilarious.

I guarantee you none of these people (myself included) watch diving any other time in their life except during the Olympics. If any regular competition were on ESPN I would pay no attention, but every four years - I just CANT miss it!

But seriously, why are the chinese so damn good at this?!

What goes up, must come down

2008-08-08T16:40:00.000-07:00

Im about to cry and Im not totally sure as to why. I feel like one big jumbled mess this week. I feel disconnected from every thing that has been keeping me together and I feel like Im lacking the ability to put it all back.

Im frustrated, but Im not really sure at who. Maybe its myself, but then again maybe its this PC at work (death!). Either way I feel like I don't know what to do with anything at the moment.

Why must there be a down to lifes highs?

Mean.

2008-08-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew how to express myself better. How to put my thoughts and feelings into beautiful words, art, music, dance - just something more than this.

Out of all this joy I have a feeling I can not shake. How is it I feel no conviction for decisions I have made? I feel so far removed and that scares me.

I fear I have let the happiness I have found in this person overshadow that happiness that comes from Him. Why is it so hard for me to take time to pray, to talk with and seek Him...but I can stay up to the wee hours texting? I dont think Im ok with that, how did one take priority over the other?

I want to change that. I need to change that.

Words fail me, only smiles

2008-08-04T09:55:00.000-07:00

The weekend was amazing, hes amazing, Im so happy I can hardly contain it.

We clicked in every way possible. I love laughing with him, kissing him, listening to music, talking with him, holding his hand, scowling as he lights up another cigarette...just everything. It felt so natural to be with him. I was all smiles the entire time. I still cant believe this happened, I never would have imagined. Its just such a different feeling than Ive had before...its so real.

I miss him already. I need to start preparing myself for whats ahead, its going to be hard.

but in the mean time, Im going to enjoy every moment I have...and count down the days till next Thursday :)

A day away

2008-07-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

Ive never felt this way before, and Ive definitely never thought I could without being near someone. I haven't really put any of this into words, maybe its because it scares me a bit. It makes it real and real means Im vulnerable and Im not ready for that; not ready for the potential of hurt.

I have such a desire to know him better, to understand him. He feels deeper than maybe anyone I know, and he expresses himself without inhibition. There is just something about him, hes so real and raw. Hes just himself, flaws and everything out in the open. Hes so beyond average - even though I think he would argue that hes nothing special - I think he is.

I find he challenges me, and doesn't even realize it. Hes an inspiration of sorts. His talent comes from a place Im not even sure he knows, and his words are pure beauty. When we talk about his past I continue to realize how incredibly blessed I am. I sometimes feel that because I haven't had struggles as difficult as his that I haven't experienced much, or had a lot to grow from...but we all struggle differently. Its something that makes us unique.

Ive never really had someone come into my life that made me want to think deeper, feel deeper and express myself. AH! My desire to spend time with him is so great its crazy!

I get a little nervous thinking, what if things are different this weekend, what if its just been built in fantasy and the reality doesn't measure up? What if its not as electric as I imagine when I finally meet his lips with mine? Gosh, I don't even like that thought. Its not like I want to think these thoughts, but I need to at least prepare myself for reality.

Im beyond excited for tomorrow, I cant even put it into words. Ive been trying to figure out what Im going to do when I actually see him! I know I will have this big, giddy, dorky smile on my face - as he will on his. Come on, its been two months! Two months of talking every day, two months of building a friendship that I don't want to do without, two months of being so ridiculously happy. Stepping off the plane, seeing him, knowing I get to laugh, talk, smile, and be with him for 4 days...sigh...Im beaming just thinking about it.

I have no idea what will happen, or the direction in which this goes after this weekend...but I know either way I will be thankful he came into my life, if even for a short time. I still firmly believe there is a purpose for every little thing that happens in our life, and and reason behind every person we meet.

Hes been my sunshine for two months and I get to see him tomorrow.

the sky could be blue, I dont mind, without you its a waste of time...

2008-07-28T16:38:00.000-07:00

3 days. Im so excited I can hardly stand it.

2008 Goals...

2008-07-16T16:54:00.000-07:00

In true "new years" fashion I came up with a few goals that I wanted to accomplish for the year...unfortunately I never wrote them down anywhere to help make them some sort of reality. Considering we are half way through 2008 and I think Ive found one I can actually make happen, I thought I would update.

"the goals":

1. Refinance - update: HA impossible, and my mortgage is about to adjust, kill me.
2. Buy a digital slr camera - update: I want one, really, really do but they're expensive!
3. Go to back to the UK/Europe (FINALLY) - update: I've been making this a goal for the last 5 years, much like the camera...I find it impossible to save for this

BUT today I realized I may be able to make one a reality (woot!). My best friend Jess's mother got really into photography a few years back. We spent 4th of july at their house by the pool and I noticed she had a lovely nikon d200 so I had to comment. She then proceeded to mention that she purchased a d60 (which is exactly what I want) and realized she wasn't going to use it and is looking to sell it (oh oh!!) Now at first I thought of it for a certain photo obsessed friend who has been saving up for a digital slr for quite some time, but then I found out how much shes selling it for.

Uh, can you say STEAL!

Shes selling it for $300 less than she purchased it for and I know I can work something out with her, she already said she would hold onto it for me. Int it pretty :)

Exactly how far is Tennessee?

2008-07-07T10:58:00.001-07:00

Ive been extremely happy over the past month or so...and its safe to say this probably has something to do with my regular (aka everyday) communication with a certain photographer. I find myself extremely smiley, giddy, bouncy and just all around a happy girl.

Seriously, its completely crazy! He basically lives on the complete other side of the country, we've seen eachother once and our interaction was minimal, we're very different, oh and hi, hes a smoker*. But each time we talk I learn more about him and I genuinely like what I see (hear?). Ive tried to think about how it all happened...maybe its because I had very low (aka no) expectations, but the more we talk the more I really enjoy him.

One thing I really didn't expect, but really like, is that he challenges me. He thinks, and feels very deeply and can express that. While me on the other hand...am a big mess when trying to express myself (which usually means I don't. Ha.) The very first time he noticed I tried to cop out of really expressing something he refused to let me. Pushing me to really think and talk about exactly how something made me feel. To be honest, I get totally frustrated! but, it kinda makes me like him more.

Gosh, finally someone who isn't passive, someone who challenges me, and really contributes to my life...who lives in F*ing Tennessee. boo.

Ok, so we're coming up on about a month and a half...we talk everyday, Im extremely happy, and Ive officially decided I like him - quite a bit. This would be about the time I begin to start over thinking everything and ruin it. buh. I refuse to let that happen. I think Im going to try and take some advice that J once gave me...go with my actual feelings and just enjoy it. Over thinking has never really worked for me.

*Sigh*

I dont know the last time I actually felt this way about someone. Is it August yet?

_______________________________________________________
*My closest friends know my feelings on guys who smoke - I dont even give them the time of day. Its been a pretty solid rule of mine to never date anyone who smokes. Soooo even knowing he smoked, what am I doing?! Yeah, no idea!

2008-06-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

Im super excited to see wall-e. Like really.

Dont judge, you are too...and if you say you arent, you're lying.

yo yo!

2008-06-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

Has it already been a month? geez!

how about I do a real quick recap to catch us up so we can move on. k great!

...I havent spoken a word to j since the wed following his grad when he called and yelled at me for saying his "quasi gf" kinda had a 909/HB vibe (um she had a french manicure with black tips, ew!) I owned up to it and was proud. Done and done!

...life has become significantly better! I feel more like myself again, no more sequestering myself away. Im BAAAACK!

...had an interview last week for a job that would be the PERFECT next step for me...sitting waiting wishing.

...married off a bestie over the weekend, two friends have officially set wedding dates, and Im about 18 months away from being the last single girl. woot!

...wrote my very first opposition letter all by myself yesterday and am very proud!

...have been flirting with a very sweet boy over the past several days that has me in a pretty happy mood!

happy wednesday!

From bad to just awful

2008-05-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

I thought I could get to the impending weekend and be good, look fabulous, be confident, kick some ass and be on my merry way...now I want to be sick. I have never wanted nothing to do with someone so much as I do with him.

I keep thinking that if we just talk through certain things and we have better communication it will get better...but it doesnt. I have sat crying [post phone call] twice in the past 3 weeks...every time I think "ok Ive said my peace, hes going to listen, hes sorry" it all goes to hell - AGAIN!

This last time I realized the following:

-I honestly just cant stand to talk to him right now.
-hes never going to be able to say anything right. Its going to be one hurt after the other.
-hes incapable of being the type of friend I am wanting him to be. If he wasnt sensitive, understanding and compassionate with Amanda, he will never be with just a friend.
-hes not capable of stepping outside of his own desires to truly care about someone else.
-I am not in a place to not be hurt by him, and until I can be it wont ever be better.
-right now the decision has to be to either let it all go completely, or step back until I can get to that place to not be hurt

How we got to this place, I dont even know. Its as if it started as one small thing upon another and then just snowballed out of control. I dont want to be here, I want to fix it...but I cant continue to want something for someone that they dont want for themselves. It doesnt matter if I see who he could be because hes incapable of wanting to be that. Im tired of making sure he knows hes important in my life because you know what, HE DOESNT DO THE SAME.

Im so over it, I just am. I dont think we can be friends for a time. Thats not to say that if something were to happen and he were to call I wouldnt be there for him, but right now we arent friends, I cant stand for him to be my friend anymore. This is the only thing that I can do, I feel like Ive been praying about it - and I will still - but until God works on my heart and softens his I have to walk away.

Last one standing

2008-05-05T16:02:00.000-07:00

So I don't know if I should be happy for this, or feel pathetic...I now have what appears to be my own personal dating service! Apparently everyone including friends, moms of friends, family friends and my own mother feel I need to find "someone." I think with all my girlfriends effectively married off, or soon to be married off everyone is starting to feel bad for me (really?!)

Don't get me wrong, it is sorta lame to know that within the next year I am going to be the only single left, BUT please don't take that as a sign that Im in a rush to be married off...in fact if someone tried to give me a ring I would probably throw them off a cliff [bridge, or building...Im not picky] Im starting to get the pitty vibe and that's annoying. Ew. Im only 25, chill out yo!

24 Hours

2008-04-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

So I just spent the past 10 min watching the clock in the corner of my computer screen get closer and close to 12:30. Why? Because I want to check in for my 12:30 flight to the land of sunshine. Ive tried three times to check in thinking "maybe my clock is 6 min slow, let me try" wait nope...(2 min pass) "maybe the clock is 4 min slow!" Still no.

Ive seen this screen three times in the past 10 min

What happened?
The request to check in and print your Boarding Pass is before 24 hours prior to your scheduled departure or within 1 hour prior to departure flight time.

What you need to do:
Please try again during the allotted time frame or proceed to the airport to check in for your flight. Customers may check in for their flight and obtain their Boarding Pass 24 hours prior to the scheduled departure until 1 hour prior to flight departure time.

I would like to say that my clock is not 6, 4 or even 1 min slow...its actually 3 min fast. I was able to officially check in at 12:33pm and Im still "position 45"

What the hell?!

2008-04-15T16:39:00.000-07:00

I wish wit [and good writing] came a little more natural to me...I mean I have my moments where I am the most charming/witty girl you've met, but for some reason this is not something I can summon on a moments notice.

2008-04-03T19:23:00.001-07:00

I seek after things I do not need...

I want things that are not meant for me...

I don't not trust where I should...

yet he still takes care of me and guides my way. Im always amazed

Hope you didnt try to call me this weekend

2008-03-17T13:36:00.000-07:00

Best thing Ive done for myself in the past year: booked a 755 flight at 6pm friday night, packed a bag, ran out the door at 645, had momma pick up the dog, in so cal at 905, phone off at 10. BAM!

Seriously, this weekend was so therapeutic. All the tension in my back was gone, I hung out with my best friend, had a few mai tais, built a house in TJ, got some sleep, and just mellowed. AMAZING! I actually forgot how much I really do like it down there and I kinda miss it.

I know [without a doubt] living here is the right thing, but I think its time for a little change. I wouldn't mind moving back for like a year, in fact I think I would want to. I feel like Ive reached a sort of crossroads again in my life. Friends, job, living, church...EVERYTHING! And as much as I would love to just get up and move, I know the consequences of making the wrong decision.

Politics in the Political world

2008-03-14T09:04:00.000-07:00

I heard through a little bird last week that not only did they really like me, they loved me...they thought I was wonderful, a perfect fit, would love to have me and apparently I "knocked their socks off." Why dont I have the job you ask? Oh because I guess they are worried about upsetting the wife of their largest member - wife=my boss. Basically if I dont get the job (which I assume Im not) it has nothing to do with the fact that they thought I was the best person for the job, purely political move. Cool.

Its really hard to be patient and trust God has it all under control, and that he knows whats best for you when you really feel your current situation is not. Can I get a little insight, can you open another door asap? Thank you!

Isn't Patience a Virtue?

2008-02-29T17:13:00.000-08:00

I had an interview last Tuesday, I was theoretically supposed to hear back Monday...its Friday, Im annoyed. I wouldn't be so annoyed if I haven't been hearing secret praises and hints that "they like me" and Im a quasi shoe in for the job...and I wouldn't be so annoyed if I didn't really want the job...or if I didn't desperately want to leave this place of misery and office furniture circa 1968.

I have the patience of a toddler.

Funny how that works

2008-02-12T22:34:00.001-08:00

I never really realized how much prayer really does effect my daily life...until I kinda took a break from it. I haven't slept well, my relationships feel kinda messy, I kinda hate my job, and all around no bueno.

Once you get out of a habit, its much easier to just be lazy then put in the effort. I have really good intentions, I get in bed and think Im going to talk to God tonight - oh wait, sleep is sooo nice! boo. I fee like Ive lost myself over the course of 5 days. I just want to cry...oh wait, I did, in my bosses office again. I need to get back on track and have God pull me back together. No joke.